I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
And you’ll be like.. Tf is this mess
Kids in 2040 have it too easy; they’ll never understand our ordeals!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The User is always right.
Somehown the math still tells me it’s Obama’s fault. /s
God’s developer console?
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
Gender Pay Gap
Sounds about right
Ahh… so THAT’S why she’s still in!!! Brilliant!
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Every single time
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
The establishment is so compassionate.
Foreign policy mastermind
ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
Now that’s what I call continuous integration
Android nibbas be like
Based on true story
The best time of my life……..
Good ol’ days
Experimental proof of String theory can wait!
Happy Thanksgiving Boomers
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Wife talking = bad
AI is the future
My Local Newspaper!
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
That’s an L
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Seems like a legit idea
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
This is actually kinda wholesome
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
This Hannity tweet from 2013
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Spinning the Blame Wheel …
Young girl thats trying to make a difference bad
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
This is Funny, Sad, And Cringe All At The Same Time
Try icing it
That’s 32-bit integer for you!
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
Truly a magnificent system
And doing drugs
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
Congratulations are in order
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
I’m willing to try this…
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
“obamacare is a disaster”