I actually like this one
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room. 1,000 years pass… Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please… Get m-me out of here…" Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally. "The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever. The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.