I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
Buzz busted.
Buzz busted.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.