I aDmIrE aNd HaTe ThIs SiMuLtAnEoUsLy
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.