I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.