I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
Yes we arson
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
and lowers it
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
He got it from a second-hand store
Look for the fresh prints
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
So I just came in my pants.
Because he couldn't see that well
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
The plot thickens.
Then he fired me.
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
Edit: Thanks for the likes
To beat the crowd.
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
Then I know it will never come for me
Do you die from exhaustion?
But I never got the chants.
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
But I called her Bluff.
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Guess who came crawling back
But then I quit cold turkey
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"