I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"