I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
You can’t die if you roll in salt.
You'll get cured.
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
https://ift.tt/37jeC5j
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
