I almost didn’t see the joke, but thankfully the circle helped me!
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising “World famous punch!”
The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!" He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!" The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line." The man looks around and doesn't see anything.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!