I almost feel bad for him
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
An interview with a vampire
An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
![Genghis Khan Descending [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/wk5fkuneqw141-400x493.jpg)
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
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