I almost missed it
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
