I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
this whole time I’m like why does it keep downloading it as an html
When you forget to do null checking
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
What two words have the most letters?
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
You can’t change facts
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
I’m a Witzart
When you’re not sure of the variable type I guess
haha man chase woman but not for boobies
So that hurt
In chemistry everything is ab(o)ut aestheti(c)s
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The magic that is CSS
Cheerios Best Molecule
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Where are my electricians at??
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
Hail Hydra. Trolling the ReOpen Oregon Now rally.
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
Not so noble
Hahahaha stupid wi… wait husband
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
Thought this fit here
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
So now Trump and those around him get tested every day.
No there are no limits to his narcissism.
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
When you finish FreeCodeCamp
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
Hope this hasn’t made its rounds before
Keyboard warrior potus
Am I normal?
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
True just true.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
Back in my day…
How people think programming is v/s how it actually is
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
He do be lookin fresh in that vest doe.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
*Screams in base 2*
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
Cheating I s very funy
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
😂😂 I hate my wife 😂😂
The more the better
Protesters: Beta cucks for the oligarchs
Fuck you gop
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.