I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
House Fire
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.