I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.