I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing .
This was horrible lol
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
That's Crossing the Border
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Because of all the Knights.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
I just never had the balls to do it
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Fine, suit yourself.
They each got six months.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
but no one will do it
…have the same middle name
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
We really need to raise the bar.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
I dunno water you drinking?
It’s not the end of the word.
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
It took them forever to get back up.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
It's a crisis
The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant