I always seem to laugh to hard!
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.