I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
