I am both of these
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
No text found
![That moment you realise your relationship is actually an agile working team. What you had there wasn’t a date, it was a stand-up. [Found on r/MadeMeSmile]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/c3w5nc050ps31-400x368.jpg)
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
