I am crying 🤣
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
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Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"