I am fucking HOLLERING

What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?

A reddithor.

I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.

No shock: He was grounded

Also heard something like:Faster you go slower the time around you. So if you move as fast as light ,which is the limit, the time will stop around you. And if you go faster than light you will travel back in time.(I’m not sure of that information so please correct me if I’m wrong)

https://ift.tt/2RNcaiq

Am I the only one who had this reaction?

https://ift.tt/2Sl74JS

They’re hosting a mini-golf tournament at a graveyard in hipster Brooklyn.

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"

OMG HAHAHA HE ALWAYS CRACKS ME UP

Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.

https://ift.tt/38mdDRT

The Titanic will never truly leo-ve our hearts.

Sometimes it really do be like that

https://ift.tt/2QMShat

I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry that makes me.

Finals coming up and with 1 grade in the entire class being the final project. We all out here freaking out.

https://ift.tt/33QwnqF

read till the end your never gonna expect what hes gonna say??

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."