What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Pink Panther’s to do list
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.