I AM LITERALLY FUCJING SCSCR3EEAAAAMMMINNGGGGGGGYTGG 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
a meme i made
Isn’t that true
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
Boomer humor in a nutshell
Chemistry in advertisimg
Can I just leave this here ?
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
There’s this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden. Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend. "Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye." Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom. Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?" Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so." This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape. So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape. Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal. After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission. "Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?" Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied, "Oh wood eye, wood eye!" Sally was offended and crushed him. The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
Wtf even is this comic lmfao
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Libertarians: I got mine, fuck you
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Someone called me average today.
I wanna be a world
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
That Useless code of Block hurts most sometimes
Jogging While Black
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
boomer artstyle so posting here
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Following a complex tutorial..
We’ve all been there
Talk about an “Uncanny Valley”…
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Painful but yet helpful
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
For my fiancé!
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Rand’s got a plan
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A typical daily correspondence with the wife
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Having the internet turn your protest into a meme
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
He learned his lesson
But choose wisely. You don’t want to “taint” your child’s blood
When my friends and family tell me that I should go to therapy
Thought I’d leave this here
A better way to increment variables
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Food will fill your heart in many ways
When everyone is worried about the corona virus, but you’re using Linux
Copying code from the Internet
Fastest switch in the west
And act like mr.Robot figure
Just look at all that red fat melt away.
I know better by now…