I am not good with titles
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
What’s my blod type?
Typo
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!