I am not good with titles
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
My ex wife misses me.
But her aim keeps getting better.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
