I am not good with titles
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
