I am not good with titles
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
A man walks into a bar…
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…