I am not good with titles
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
I hate two things
math
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
What do you get when you mix a caribou with an antelope?
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
![Home made 4D cinema [NSFW]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/2v2x88ohi6941-400x583.jpg)
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"