I am not good with titles
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
