I am not good with titles
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
Saying “have a nice day” to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
![[Legit] Secrets](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/mh7nt9o61bo11-400x262.jpg)
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
