I am not good with titles
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
I tried making a joke about broke people.
It ended poorly.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
