I am not good with titles

I told him, 'My door is always open!'

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

I hope

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.

But I've never had any beef with them.

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

'Scurvy

“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.

Hamnesia!

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

He couldn't say

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway

…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

…but I don't like to point fingers…

V Edit: my CTRL key broke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

A good time ruined by a period.

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”   Doctor: “Every two hours.”

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.