Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex? -There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: -What you doing!? -Aren't we…? Going to do the donkey thing? -We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
No text found
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"