I am not sure who to give credit to, but damn this is funny
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.