I am speechless
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.