I am speed
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
