I am speed
In case he gets a hole in one
Because all the fans left
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
but then it dawned on me.
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Because he was too far out man.
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
…jeeze I was young back then.
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
Because it’s the scenter
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
It’s not hard
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.