I am speed
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
Know why Jedi don’t get married?
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
