I Am SpEeD
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
