I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
The Greeks invented sex
The Italians just introduced it to women
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.