I am the Master
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
