I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
A drumset is a very deep instrument
It's full of cymballism.
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.