I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
I’d love to have one
There‘s one less drunk.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
It’s not hard
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Because Monday is a weekday…
I'm dreading it…
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
Have another one say "Bingo!"
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
You make me sick.
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
it takes a lot to offend me
She was wearing massive gloves
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
It’s all in the delivery
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.