I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
