I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
“Social Media should not fact check posts” says child molester Mark Zuckerberg | The Chaser
https://ift.tt/2TNB1mk
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything