I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.