I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC