I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, “first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses”
"And then we'll see."
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer ๐
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
The frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change ๐๐
Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!โ, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wifeโs clothes
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because heโs been chasing me for ages!
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, โHow do you like it?โ
He said, โThis book is lit.โ
Heโs going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.