I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
The fly didn’t stand a chance.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
The head Nun….
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
I can speak time
It's my second language
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
Landing on the Moon
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
