I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
