I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
What does a house wear?
Address
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.