I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
Itās the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
The word āDiputseromneveā may look ridiculous,
But backwards itās even more stupid.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me āThe Love Machineā.
Because I suck at tennis.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
Theyāre, there, their.
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
I used to have a dog with no legs named āCigaretteā
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them āitās next to the sageā
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
My dad didnāt love me as a child, but I donāt really blame him.
I wasnāt born until he was an adult.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey āHey! what are you doing?ā The monkey says āSmoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.ā So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ādryā, and that heās going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, āWhatās the matter with you?!ā The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says āHey, MONKEY!ā The Monkey looks down and says āFUUUUUCK, DUDEā¦ā¦. how much water did you drink?ā
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said āwhat are you doing? What is that noise?ā I said āIāve been screwing around behind your back.ā She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
What sound does a tiny cow make
Āµ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
