I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers…
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents