I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.