I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
What Thog say to man
Thog donāt care
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I canāt wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Iāve started saying āmuchoā to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
As a lumberjack, I know that Iāve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked āDoctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?ā The doctor said āNo, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.ā So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked āSurgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?ā The surgeon said āNo, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.ā So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked āShaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?ā The shaman said āI can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman āWill you sleep with me?ā The woman said āEw, no.ā The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. āWill you sleep with me?ā The woman said āDidnāt you just hear me? I said no.ā The manās penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, heād have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. āWill you sleep with me?ā The woman, enraged, said āAre you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!ā
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
No text found
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
The seminar āHow To Avoid Fraudsā is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
The Girlfriend Joke
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?" And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh… No thanks, I'm good." "Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out." So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this." So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner." So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it." So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me." I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well…alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again." "Wait, what? Why not? What happened?" "Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me." "I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person" "She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me." "I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow." I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then weād have corona with Lyme
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, āHey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?ā The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, āBefore you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and Iām a 6ā² tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. Whatās more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and heās a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and sheās a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?ā The blind man replies āNah, not if Iām gonna have to explain it five times.ā
Why canāt Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
Heās transparent
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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