I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".