I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
![Me in CS-101 writing my first insertion sort algorithm, 2014 [Colorized]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-4-400x247.png)
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
