I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!