I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
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My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."