I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling