I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❤️
No text found
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.