I bank on it
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
It's synching now
Adam was born in Hong Kong as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family. However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly. The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back. Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself. Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two. With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest. Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong. Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public. Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony. Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it. Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do. Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share. Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack. Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow. It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus. Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused. Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe. Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
Cause people are dying to get in.
it’s the women that make it hard
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits” he says….
…."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now – what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…"
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. “Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
Between you and me, something smells.
You put a little boogie in it.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
None of them work
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
Because they make up everything.
They sometimes get elected.
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
Rest on peace.
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.