I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
![[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/6wurac3p4q841-400x462.jpg)
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
