I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen…
I can feel it.
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts” he says.
"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all…" she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love… I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."