I believe that the heart does go on
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
What does a house wear
Adress
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
Three people die and appear before Buddha
Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh…that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
