I Believe You Were Played Sir.. Played Like A Nintendo 64
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldnβt predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And theyβre off!
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently βFucking large onesβ wasnβt an acceptable answer.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, hereβs my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked whatβs the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently thereβs a vas deferens
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "Iβd say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses donβt cause a reaction
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
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I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: βWell, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.β
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: βget back here you ungrateful childβ