I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living
And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.